Saturday, September 19, 2009

For the record

If you have to tell me that you are rich/awesome/good in bed etc, then your not. You're just a legend in your own mind.

Stay ugly,

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Flowers, and feathers, and bows oh my!

I have a niece who is less than one year old. She has these super cute headbands that we accessorize with flowers and/or bows. She always looks adorable. Please keep in mind that she is only a few months old.

Lately in my many travels I have noticed a new fashion with women around my age. Its seems as though they have mistaken their child's headband for their own. This is one fashion trend that I WILL NOT participate in. Some reasons are:
I am over the age of 5I do not work for Disney
Minnie Mouse is not my idol and I don't want to look like her
I would prefer to not be mistaken for the Peacock at the Zoo
They look stupid

My boss would laugh at me if I dared go to work with one on
I am a grown up

Rose Marie is not my inspiration
Insert your own very valid reason here

Please lets remember our age people. Next we will be trying to buy onsies for 20 somethings...Oh wait we already do that with the return of the body suit. That deserves a post of its own.

Stay ugly, and remember friends don't let friends leave their house looking like that.

Friday, August 7, 2009

It's meant in the kindest way possible

Sorry for my long absence from the blogging world. It seems that life has caught up to me. Apparently you are suppose to work, while at work. Who knew? My dream is to one day be independently wealthy and stick it to the man, until then I will have to work at work.

Is it just me or does it seem like there has been an astronomical amount of children born in the last month? I swear everyone and their dog has decided to “multiply and replenish” the earth. I guess that some people just don’t understand that they don’t have to replenish the whole world themselves. Every time I go to Satan’s Store ie: Wal-Mart, I see multiple women who have: a 2 year old holding their hand, a one-year-old sitting in the front part of the cart, and an infant in a car seat in the basket part. Where do they put the food? Slow the roll please, for your sanity and mine.

Many of my friends have h
ad offspring recently. I am happy for them; they seem happy, even in their sleep-deprived state. However, often times I find myself in an awkward position. As many people know, not all newborns are cute. Actually very rarely do you find one that is. They usually look like some sort of alien. Instead of lying (because that is bad) I have come up with a trusty list of things to say to avoid the subject, for example:
  • “Wow, that sure is a baby”
  • “Oh look at that little boy/girl” (Please make sure you know the gender of the baby)
  • “Oh I am sure your lives have changed so much”
  • “What a cute outfit”
  • “How nice/precious/wonderful/etc”
Now in order to pull this off successfully you have to make sure that you say it confidently. No waiver in your voice. Don’t leave room for questions, just say it and shut up. That way you wont have to explain your very vague compliment. Also when you go and see them show up with a gift. This will distract them. Make sure you have a different friend that you can call and 'share' this experience with. Don't judge, I know you all talk about your friend's children as well.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This has got to end

I really don't understand what makes people think these photos are a good idea. Seriously, who wakes up one day and says "My stretch marks are soo beautiful, I must take a photo. While I am at it I will make my husband take his shirt off and join me".

What do people do with these pics? Make a coffee table book so all of their guests can enjoy them too? Better yet, get a 20 x 24 print and hang over their mantle. These poor children probably have them plastered all over their nursery. No wonder babies cry so much, I would cry too if I had to look at these everyday.

In case you have not been lucky enough to have your eyes raped with photos of this nature, I am going to share a couple of them. You can thank me later.
Who was the lucky person who had to wrap her in the sheet?I bet they wished they had called in sick that day.
For the love of all that is good and holy, keep it in the bedroom.
Yes, that is her bra you are seeing.
Is it just me or does her robe resemble lingerie? Check out the lace!
No words, I have no words.
Looks like their husbands "forgot" to take the day off. Good thing they have friends. This is one bonding experience I will NEVER have!

Please know that if you have these pics and your friends say that they are "tasteful", "beautiful", and "touching" its not true. Secretly your friend is trying to come up with a plan on how to end the friendship.

Stay Ugly,

Monday, July 20, 2009

Wash that man right out of my hair

What is it with guys lately? Seriously, every guy I meet is a big fat loser. What ever happened to treating women how they deserve to be treated. I don't know about you, but I am extremely cool and consider most guys lucky I even talk to them. If you knew me in real life you would agree.

Stay with me for a few minutes I am going to vent here...
  • It is not my job to pay for everything. Get off your lazy ass and get a job. I will no longer buy dinner for you, or make sure your pets have kibble.
  • If you are dropping me off and you dont get out of your car, walk around and open my door, and walk me to the porch, DON'T expect a good night kiss, it's not happening.
  • I will no longer believe you when you say "I'll call you" we all know that is a load of crap. If you want to just hook up, be honest... You'd be surprised how many girls want that too.
  • On a first date, do not tell me your life history...If the conversation is lacking don't tell me about your outbreak of warts in the 3rd grade...gross! Instead take me home, (chances are I am not having fun either)
  • Don't lie...I am sneaky and always find out the truth.

Ladies, it is our right to be treated well. We need not be made to feel like an inconvenience. We deserve to be told we are beautiful, we deserve to be taken out (Taco Bell does not count) we deserve flowers just because. I will no longer give in to this epidemic of loser guys. It is a privilege to go out with me, not a right. This privilege can only be earned by acting like a gentleman. I am fine on my own, and until I am shown otherwise I will not change. Yeah I can be a bitch.

"Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you." -Nick Mercer in the Wedding Date

Stay ugly, and don't get pushed around

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I. Kid. You. Not.

You will have to excuse my absence from the virtual world. It seems as though I over-dosed on MJM (Michael Jackson Media). You too? weird. Finally out of that coma, 'thankfullest'.

In other news:
I am peeved at Pregnant women everywhere this week. (the one's I know, and the one's I virtually know)

I. Kid. You. Not.

Most of the time I show signs of empathy for these people; I even us
e my handy dandy self-written:
"Guide To Act Like You're Showing Empathy, When You Really Couldn't Give A **** For A Pregnant Woman." handbook. I nod, raise my brows in a caring manner, and insert, "How horrible for you."'s and "Wow, no other woman has gone through this ever."'s and even "Yours if by far the worst and most different that I have ever heard of, it is a wonder you're still alive."'s.

I don't know why I am an open target for "'Exorcist' type morning sickness" stories, or "my husband is the biggest 'Spencer Pratt' in the world" stories. I just don't.

AND IF this wasn't bad enough. I stumbled upon a whole blog site dedicated to pregnancy+birthing stories recently. WTF?

What makes this okay? Can we find nothing else to 'bond' over? Must we share our 'poopings' on the birthing table?'s or complain about how our once in-tact 'hoohah's now rival the Grand Canyon?

Honestly! Some of these stories make reading Playboy seem like a Pope Cartoon Strip in the Sunday Funnies.

My Gyno and I could have Thursday Night Strip Poker every month (stirrups and all) and I wouldn't feel as awkward as I do reading/hearing these stories.

So you women Congratulations. You have proved that Pregnancy is not a beautiful thing. And for those of us whose 'hoohas' are still intact, you have scared the hell out of us from ever even THINKING about plopping out a 14lb turd, and then later it's feces sack of placenta. EVER!

I hope your 14lb turds never accidentally stumble upon these stories. You queezy sickos.

Stay Ugly,

Monday, July 6, 2009

For the love...

Seriously I can't handle stupid people today...they are!

Monday, June 29, 2009

ABC's and 123's

I am by no means an ‘English Nazi’, but there are some basic rules that we (as ‘adults’) should live by. By ‘adults’, I mean anyone who has ever finished the 4th grade.

And because I am a giver, I am going to review some of the basic 4th grade English rules:

Difference between your and you’re:

Your= possession of something
Your house is on the right (if you’re in 4th grade you might not remember where you live).

You’re= you+are
You’re a sweet spirit, bless your heart (This was tricky it has both types in it).

Differences between their, there, and they’re:

There=reference to a place
The cute boy is over there.

They lost their tickets to the concert (So sad for them).

They’re=they are
They’re going to High School Musical 17 (Zac doesn’t look so adolescent anymore).

I could go on, but I don’t want to overload our brains.

Stay ugly, but more importantly-stay smart.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Gripes By Griz: Most Smartest People

My life is full of an exponential amount of geniuses. Try not to be too envious...really.

Gripe Victim:
My SIL (bitchzilla if you're nasty): who for one grueling semester of college (how she got in, I'll never know), referred to her 'Ethics' class as her 'Ethnics' class. I could have corrected her, but I really loved how proud she was of her C- in 'Ethnics'.

I hate that we're related.

End Gripe.

Stay Ugly you Sexy Beasts,

Monday, June 22, 2009

Your car is not a scrapbook

I am all about making memories and having pictures of your family. But honestly the back of your car is not the appropriate place to put these. Where I live every other car has one on the back.
  1. I don’t think stick figures actually play golf, tennis, or soccer. Nor do I care that you do. Basically all I care about is that you go fast in the fast lane.
  2. Why on earth would you put your kids names on those. I see many problems with this. “Hi, Jenny. Your mom Sheila asked me to pick you up. Your fish skipper is sick.” It’s a kidnappers dream.
  3. Why not just go ahead and put your address, on there. Eventually people are going to realize the family with the Mickey ears lives in the purple house on Ivy Street.
  4. What ever happened to my child is an honor student? Your child might be smart but my child has a polka dot dress.
  5. It’s a pride thing… I have 4 kids and you only have a cat…
  6. Your stick person looks better than you do.
Stay Ugly,

Friday, June 19, 2009

Can I Get an Amen!

I am all about birth control-and by birth control I mean population control. (I am speaking to you OctoMom). But there has got to be a more attractive way to accomplish said task than this:

Lowering your sperm-count while looking like a d-bag. Awesome.

Who knew ‘Space-Bagging’ could be used as a technique to get into your sister’s pants? (stop thinking dirty, I meant it literally).

I know myself, I have always thought, “Man he is cute, I wonder if he is my size?” Economically speaking of course this would save money on jeans. Next he and I could hopefully share mesh tanks, likely lace etched panties, and if all goes as planned glitter.

(excuse me while I puke)

1. I am into men, not women. (one session of PMS per month is more than I can handle)
2. You stretch my jeans out, I am going to kick your skinny arse right out of them. (or peel you out)
3. If I can see that you are skinnier than me it aint’a’gonna’happen. (as fun as an eating disorder might be…)

Women everywhere should start feeling paranoid that 'He' is scamming on your jeans, not you.

I think you ‘boys’ and your ‘jeans’ (more like sperm killing spandex) are ridiculous.
Anyone with me?

Stay Ugly (but not in those jeans),

Family Matters

So we all have family drama. Me included, we all know that drama no need to relive it. Some things don't need to be shared. Really I don't care if your ex boyfriends great grandma had 13 affairs. I also don't care that you found out you had a half brother when you were 45. There is no need to give me your family medical history, I can't do anything about it. If your telling me a story and I don't respond, take it as a clue to stop. Me ignoring you = not caring about your stories.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

When Ugly Met Blogger

Welcome to our blog...
There are two sides to every story, this is ours...Boorish as it may be.

Stay Tuned...and most importantly...

Stay Ugly