Thursday, June 24, 2010

Office Etiquette

Dear girl at my office,

I am tired of you not doing your job. I am have saved your @$$ more times than I can count. Please stop wasting time on Facebook with your farm, virtual cafe, and their stupid quizzes. Instead while you are at work, maybe you should do some actual work. I will let you take the fall next time you eff up.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A PSA of sorts

Dear 24 year old at Wal-Mart. Is it really necessary to bring all four (yes, you read that right) of your children with you to the shopping magic kingdom, aka Satan's store? The soup aisle is not an appropriate place to play tag. I can only assume that is what is going on, I don't want to question your incredible parenting skills and think that they are hitting each other. You are obviously the best mother ever. I feel for you I really do it must be hard to have that many children that close in age. I assume they are 9 months and 15 minutes apart (Sweetheart I am going to let you in on a secret, it's ok to use birth control).

May I suggest a couple of solutions. 1. Leave the children with their father/neighbor/friend/etc, etc. etc. I am sure at some point someone can help you. 2. Get yourself a big ole' cup of coffee, you need it. 3. Stay the HELL away from me. I am a get in get out type of person.

Peace out my uglies,

Monday, June 14, 2010

We're Baaaaaaaack!

I Know right? It's been a year, a lot has happened. Don't worry, no babies, no self exploration that made me have the self realization that bitching about others was not a good way to spend my leisurely please do not fret. The Bitch-be-back-in-tact...
What caused the hiatus? It's really none of your deal.
Let's get back to the drawing board...

In the hiatus I realized how much I loathe certain topics of discussion for future posts:
1. Lazy SAHM's (stay at home moms)
2. People who say things like, "It's cold in June, so much for Global Warming!"
3. Men who wear Ed Hardy
4. Passive aggressive things my mother in law says to me.
5. People who read the book, "Skinny Bitch" and then come to realize they are Buddhist...because not eating meat makes you Buddhist...who knew? (ps, I love me some Buddhists-just not the kind that read skinny bitch books)
6. All things BP (see a funny clip below)

Anywho, there are more things I hate...but for now enjoy we are back...
Stay Ugly,

Saturday, September 19, 2009

For the record

If you have to tell me that you are rich/awesome/good in bed etc, then your not. You're just a legend in your own mind.

Stay ugly,

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Flowers, and feathers, and bows oh my!

I have a niece who is less than one year old. She has these super cute headbands that we accessorize with flowers and/or bows. She always looks adorable. Please keep in mind that she is only a few months old.

Lately in my many travels I have noticed a new fashion with women around my age. Its seems as though they have mistaken their child's headband for their own. This is one fashion trend that I WILL NOT participate in. Some reasons are:
I am over the age of 5I do not work for Disney
Minnie Mouse is not my idol and I don't want to look like her
I would prefer to not be mistaken for the Peacock at the Zoo
They look stupid

My boss would laugh at me if I dared go to work with one on
I am a grown up

Rose Marie is not my inspiration
Insert your own very valid reason here

Please lets remember our age people. Next we will be trying to buy onsies for 20 somethings...Oh wait we already do that with the return of the body suit. That deserves a post of its own.

Stay ugly, and remember friends don't let friends leave their house looking like that.

Friday, August 7, 2009

It's meant in the kindest way possible

Sorry for my long absence from the blogging world. It seems that life has caught up to me. Apparently you are suppose to work, while at work. Who knew? My dream is to one day be independently wealthy and stick it to the man, until then I will have to work at work.

Is it just me or does it seem like there has been an astronomical amount of children born in the last month? I swear everyone and their dog has decided to “multiply and replenish” the earth. I guess that some people just don’t understand that they don’t have to replenish the whole world themselves. Every time I go to Satan’s Store ie: Wal-Mart, I see multiple women who have: a 2 year old holding their hand, a one-year-old sitting in the front part of the cart, and an infant in a car seat in the basket part. Where do they put the food? Slow the roll please, for your sanity and mine.

Many of my friends have h
ad offspring recently. I am happy for them; they seem happy, even in their sleep-deprived state. However, often times I find myself in an awkward position. As many people know, not all newborns are cute. Actually very rarely do you find one that is. They usually look like some sort of alien. Instead of lying (because that is bad) I have come up with a trusty list of things to say to avoid the subject, for example:
  • “Wow, that sure is a baby”
  • “Oh look at that little boy/girl” (Please make sure you know the gender of the baby)
  • “Oh I am sure your lives have changed so much”
  • “What a cute outfit”
  • “How nice/precious/wonderful/etc”
Now in order to pull this off successfully you have to make sure that you say it confidently. No waiver in your voice. Don’t leave room for questions, just say it and shut up. That way you wont have to explain your very vague compliment. Also when you go and see them show up with a gift. This will distract them. Make sure you have a different friend that you can call and 'share' this experience with. Don't judge, I know you all talk about your friend's children as well.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This has got to end

I really don't understand what makes people think these photos are a good idea. Seriously, who wakes up one day and says "My stretch marks are soo beautiful, I must take a photo. While I am at it I will make my husband take his shirt off and join me".

What do people do with these pics? Make a coffee table book so all of their guests can enjoy them too? Better yet, get a 20 x 24 print and hang over their mantle. These poor children probably have them plastered all over their nursery. No wonder babies cry so much, I would cry too if I had to look at these everyday.

In case you have not been lucky enough to have your eyes raped with photos of this nature, I am going to share a couple of them. You can thank me later.
Who was the lucky person who had to wrap her in the sheet?I bet they wished they had called in sick that day.
For the love of all that is good and holy, keep it in the bedroom.
Yes, that is her bra you are seeing.
Is it just me or does her robe resemble lingerie? Check out the lace!
No words, I have no words.
Looks like their husbands "forgot" to take the day off. Good thing they have friends. This is one bonding experience I will NEVER have!

Please know that if you have these pics and your friends say that they are "tasteful", "beautiful", and "touching" its not true. Secretly your friend is trying to come up with a plan on how to end the friendship.

Stay Ugly,