For the record

If you have to tell me that you are rich/awesome/good in bed etc, then your not. You're just a legend in your own mind.


Stay ugly,

Flowers, and feathers, and bows oh my!

I have a niece who is less than one year old. She has these super cute headbands that we accessorize with flowers and/or bows. She always looks adorable. Please keep in mind that she is only a few months old.

Lately in my many travels I have noticed a new fashion with women around my age. Its seems as though they have mistaken their child's headband for their own. This is one fashion trend that I WILL NOT participate in. Some reasons are:I am over the age of 5I do not work for Disney

Minnie Mouse is not my idol and I don't want to look like her
I would prefer to not be mistaken for the Peacock at the Zoo
They look stupid
My boss would laugh at me if I dared go to work with one on
I am a grown up
Rose Marie is not my inspiration
Insert your own very valid reason here

Please lets remember our age people. Next we will be trying to buy onsies for 20 somethings...Oh wait we already do that with the return of the body suit. That deserves a post of its own.


Stay ugly, and remember friends don't let friends leave their house looking like that.

It's meant in the kindest way possible

Sorry for my long absence from the blogging world. It seems that life has caught up to me. Apparently you are suppose to work, while at work. Who knew? My dream is to one day be independently wealthy and stick it to the man, until then I will have to work at work.

Is it just me or does it seem like there has been an astronomical amount of children born in the last month? I swear everyone and their dog has decided to “multiply and replenish” the earth. I guess that some people just don’t understand that they don’t have to replenish the whole world themselves. Every time I go to Satan’s Store ie: Wal-Mart, I see multiple women who have: a 2 year old holding their hand, a one-year-old sitting in the front part of the cart, and an infant in a car seat in the basket part. Where do they put the food? Slow the roll please, for your sanity and mine.

Many of my friends have had offspring recently. I am happy for them; they seem happy, even in their sleep-deprived state. However, often times I find myself in an awkward position. As many people know, not all newborns are cute. Actually very rarely do you find one that is. They usually look like some sort of alien. Instead of lying (because that is bad) I have come up with a trusty list of things to say to avoid the subject, for example:

• “Wow, that sure is a baby”
• “Oh look at that little boy/girl” (Please make sure you know the gender of the baby)
• “Oh I am sure your lives have changed so much”
• “What a cute outfit”
• “How nice/precious/wonderful/etc”

Now in order to pull this off successfully you have to make sure that you say it confidently. No waiver in your voice. Don’t leave room for questions, just say it and shut up. That way you wont have to explain your very vague compliment. Also when you go and see them show up with a gift. This will distract them. Make sure you have a different friend that you can call and 'share' this experience with. Don't judge, I know you all talk about your friend's children as well.

This has got to end

I really don't understand what makes people think these photos are a good idea. Seriously, who wakes up one day and says "My stretch marks are soo beautiful, I must take a photo. While I am at it I will make my husband take his shirt off and join me".

What do people do with these pics? Make a coffee table book so all of their guests can enjoy them too? Better yet, get a 20 x 24 print and hang over their mantle. These poor children probably have them plastered all over their nursery. No wonder babies cry so much, I would cry too if I had to look at these everyday.

In case you have not been lucky enough to have your eyes raped with photos of this nature, I am going to share a couple of them. You can thank me later.

Who was the lucky person who had to wrap her in the sheet?I bet they wished they had called in sick that day.

For the love of all that is good and holy, keep it in the bedroom.

Yes, that is her bra you are seeing.

Is it just me or does her robe resemble lingerie? Check out the lace!

No words, I have no words.

Looks like their husbands "forgot" to take the day off. Good thing they have friends. This is one bonding experience I will NEVER have!

Please know that if you have these pics and your friends say that they are "tasteful", "beautiful", and "touching" its not true. Secretly your friend is trying to come up with a plan on how to end the friendship.

Stay Ugly,

Wash that man right out of my hair

What is it with guys lately? Seriously, every guy I meet is a big fat loser. What ever happened to treating women how they deserve to be treated. I don't know about you, but I am extremely cool and consider most guys lucky I even talk to them. If you knew me in real life you would agree.

Stay with me for a few minutes I am going to vent here...

• It is not my job to pay for everything. Get off your lazy ass and get a job. I will no longer buy dinner for you, or make sure your pets have kibble.

• If you are dropping me off and you dont get out of your car, walk around and open my door, and walk me to the porch, DON'T expect a good night kiss, it's not happening.

• I will no longer believe you when you say "I'll call you" we all know that is a load of crap. If you want to just hook up, be honest... You'd be surprised how many girls want that too.

• On a first date, do not tell me your life history...If the conversation is lacking don't tell me about your outbreak of warts in the 3rd grade...gross! Instead take me home, (chances are I am not having fun either)
  

• Don't lie...I am sneaky and always find out the truth.

Ladies, it is our right to be treated well. We need not be made to feel like an inconvenience. We deserve to be told we are beautiful, we deserve to be taken out (Taco Bell does not count) we deserve flowers just because. I will no longer give in to this epidemic of loser guys. It is a privilege to go out with me, not a right. This privilege can only be earned by acting like a gentleman. I am fine on my own, and until I am shown otherwise I will not change. Yeah I can be a bitch.

"Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you." -Nick Mercer in the Wedding Date

Stay ugly, and don't get pushed around!

I. Kid. You. Not.

You will have to excuse my absence from the virtual world. It seems as though I over-dosed on MJM (Michael Jackson Media). You too? weird. Finally out of that coma, 'thankfullest'.

In other news:
I am peeved at Pregnant women everywhere this week. (the one's I know, and the one's I virtually know)

I. Kid. You. Not.











Most of the time I show signs of empathy for these people; I even use my handy dandy self-written:
"Guide To Act Like You're Showing Empathy, When You Really Couldn't Give A **** For A Pregnant Woman." handbook. I nod, raise my brows in a caring manner, and insert, "How horrible for you."'s and "Wow, no other woman has gone through this ever."'s and even "Yours if by far the worst and most different that I have ever heard of, it is a wonder you're still alive."'s.

I don't know why I am an open target for "'Exorcist' type morning sickness" stories, or "my husband is the biggest 'Spencer Pratt' in the world" stories. I just don't.

AND IF this wasn't bad enough. I stumbled upon a whole blog site dedicated to pregnancy+birthing stories recently. WTF?

What makes this okay? Can we find nothing else to 'bond' over? Must we share our 'poopings' on the birthing table?'s or complain about how our once in-tact 'hoohah's now rival the Grand Canyon?

Honestly! Some of these stories make reading Playboy seem like a Pope Cartoon Strip in the Sunday Funnies.

My Gyno and I could have Thursday Night Strip Poker every month (stirrups and all) and I wouldn't feel as awkward as I do reading/hearing these stories.

So you women Congratulations. You have proved that Pregnancy is not a beautiful thing. And for those of us whose 'hoohas' are still intact, you have scared the hell out of us from ever even THINKING about plopping out a 14lb turd, and then later it's feces sack of placenta. EVER!

I hope your 14lb turds never accidentally stumble upon these stories. You queezy sickos.

Stay Ugly,

For the love...

Seriously I can't handle stupid people today...they are everywhere...help!